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[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. CUMMINGS

Random Ramble #46

Winter is basically upon us and you know what means…. SNOWBOARDING SEASON IS HERE! I’ve been riding for years now and this year I’m going to create winter goals and see if I can actually achieve them.

Winter goals:
1. Land my jumps in the terrain park.
2. Ride the walls of the half pipe right up to the edge.
3. Ride through the glades without running into trees or going off a cliff.

I think these are attainable. Hopefully.

Random Ramble #45

Lately I feel like my world has been out of wack. I was out to dinner with my friend D last night and while talking to him, I realized I need to refocus my life.  I think I’ve been so caught up in my love and social life (typical early 20s things eh?) and why things never seem to work, that I stopped really seeing what was important in the here and now.  But refocusing is hard.  You tell yourself you’re done but you never truly are, no matter how many times you repeat it to yourself.  You still find your mind wandering to places it really shouldn’t.  So the goal is to redirect my energy and efforts to the following things:

school, work, salsa, snowboarding (since winter is basically upon us)

I want to do better in school (as does everyone else, so this is pretty blah.)  I love work, but i have to start thinking about opportunities once I’m done school (which is so very soon, and kind of scary to be quite honest).  Salsa is my new favourite addiction after desserts, shoes and snowboarding (debatable on the level of favouritism between salsa and snowboarding but salsa has given me a little more confidence in myself and I love that I can now go to salsa clubs and actually dance without looking like a fool. Actually, that’s also debatable. I at least am able to practice with my friends Y and E throughout the week).  Snowboarding is one of my persistent loves.  Been together for years now and the love grows stronger every year.  Last year I hurt myself in the terrain park so I got a little gun shy.  This year I’m going to hit that park and show it who’s boss. I hate giving up when I’ve committed myself to something.  I really do hate defeat, as I’m sure everyone else does.  

I think with the upcoming month, refocusing will be a little easier.  I’ll be super busy with not only my current job but also the seasonal gift wrapping job I pick up (loads of fun and I get to meet new people).  I’m also going to hit the slopes in Vermont for the first time ever and you don’t know how excited this makes me.  I always plan an annual winter trip to hit the slopes and have a good time and this year is no exception.  Of course there’s also the holiday shopping (which is stressing me out to be quite honest) and all the food and drinks and parties that come with being done exams and celebrating the holidays. 

But you know, other than redirecting my attentions to more useful areas of my life (yes, i’ve come to accept that I will be a cat lady when I’m older), I also need to work on myself.  My parents point out time and again all my flaws, which I am very aware of.  it’s hard to change habits and personality traits that you’ve been practicing your whole life.  I was reading this one buzz feed article on the different types of people you will meet while in university and I, sadly, self identified with the “hot mess express”.  That’s the person who is “Always hot off a break-up, always texting someone they shouldn’t be texting, always making questionable decisions.”  I just would like to point out that I’m not always hot off a break-up, I do txt ppl I shouldn’t be texting once in a while and I always seem to be making the wrong decisions. Not questionable, wrong. And their catchphrase for the hot mess express was “Why does this shit keep happening to me?” which embarrassingly enough, I have said on more than one occasion. My best friend F agreed and said it’s “totally you which is really sad. but you never learn!” (well I’m trying ok?) My mother also pointed out that I’m flaky so i attract all the wrong guys. That and I always seem to date guys I meet in a social settings aka parties (which is bad news bears).  SO with all that being said, either 1) I accept my cat lady-hood or 2) figure out how to not be so flaky.  Self development is way harder than people think.  i have also come to realize in the past two seconds that I’ve painted a pretty awful picture of myself. But I guess it’s all about that old saying of friends sticking by you because they like you for you. 

Anyways, that’s my ramble. If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you.  Thanks for taking the time to read my life rants.

In waiting, you’ve grown impatient at times and have tried to force things that weren’t meant to be, fought too hard for something that you knew was wrong, held on too tight to something that was already dead and gone, or pushed people away out of fear. No more of that. The only thing left for you to do now is NOTHING … Love is a mystery that you can’t harness or control or elicit or will. Accept that it’s a mystery and sit down, shut up, enjoy your freaking life, and patiently wait your turn.

Ami Angelowicz, 8 Pieces of Dating Wisdom I Wish I Could Have Given My Single Self

Random Ramble #44

Today is the official end of my summer.  In just a couple days, school starts back up for the last time so I thought maybe I should take the time to reflect on my summer and think about what’s coming up (plus I’m not doing anything productive so why not, right?) 

I’m not sure what to think about this summer really.  I definitely did a lot less partying (due to surgery) but I found a new job that I absolutely love and I’m lucky enough to be able to continue it right into the school year.  I actually feel useful in my new role and I think people can directly benefit from my work (which is awesome). So in that area of my life, I’ve definitely excelled, which makes me really happy.  Personally, I think I’ve mature just a little more.  I went through a really rough patch with my parents a couple months back but looking back, it was probably a good thing because I’ve matured. A little more self-aware (or so I would hope).  I also took up salsa which I’ve really wanted to do for a long time  and I’m finally doing it.  It feels good but scary at the same time. Haha.  I didn’t get to my motorcycle license like I wanted too but I’ll get there next summer.  That’s my goal. Unless life gets in the way.  Honestly, when I was looking into getting a bike this summer, I thought I just need to do it because i’ll always be saying “it’s not the right time” or some other excuse.  Funnily enough, it was my ex who pushed me into getting into action (not that he knows since we haven’t spoken in months).  just seeing him getting out there and doing the things on his bucket list really motivated me to do what I wanted to do as well.  I can’t keep being lazy and pushing off what’s on my own list.  Life will pass me by if I do.

I think over the summer I’ve aged.  As in I feel old.  I’m not as spry as I used to be and I’m ok being anti social once in a while. This week, all the new froshlings have been doing their thing on campus and people have constantly asked me why I wasn’t a frosh boss. And to be quite honest, just thinking about all the energy I would have to spend cheering is exhausting.  So I can’t even imagine actually having to cheer. Not that I don’t have school spirit, but all that energy… It’s just so weird - feeling old in the university world but still being a baby in the real world. Crisis! Haha

My summer may have been low key but this school is going to be crazy. 15 hours of class + 15 hours of work + placement + salsa classes = SUPER BUSY WHAT WAS I THINKING OMGUURRRD. I’m totally looking forward to it.  But with that being said, HOLY COW I HAVE LESS THAN A YEAR LEFT OF SCHOOL. 8 Months to figure out what I’m going to do with my life and how to get a job.  It’s really all quite stressful and I can see why people become professional students.  Why leave the comfort of the university life if you don’t have to. 

After writing this post, I realize I don’t have much to reflect upon.  That, or I’m just super tired and not really put much effort into it.  And with that being said, peace. 

Random Ramble #43

The other day I was out shopping with a friend and I was trying on this floor length red dress. I look in the mirror and there’s this little 4 year old girl staring at me for a good 30 seconds. The next day, I was out doing a photo op in a mint blue floor length chiffon dress when this 10 year old scooters by, stops and tells me she likes my dress.  I remember when I was younger, I would have the same look of awe when I saw women who looked like princesses, wishing I would grow up to look like them.  The two little girls made me realize that, hey! I did grow up into the princess I wanted to be. So to all the little girls out there, you will grow up into the princesses you were all meant to be. One day you’ll have a little girl stare at you with wonder and adoration and come to the same realization as I did. 

Random Ramble #42

My birthday was a couple weeks ago and I thought “hey! new year, start fresh and it’s going to be awesome!” How wrong I was. The past few days have definitely been less than kind to me. After a series of events in the past few days, my dad thinks I’m so selfish and self-centered that he’s threatened to kick me out of the house. So I’ve secretly been compiling a list in my head of the people I can turn to if he does.  Now he’s probably right (to a certain degree) but as we all know there’s always 3 sides to the truth. Unfortunately he’s the side that holds the most power. And even if I’m all that he says I am, I think he’s taking it a bit far. I mean, this situation clearly just spun way out of control. 

I think I’ve been having these “independence” problems with my parents ever since I came back from my little stint in Montreal back in 2009.  I lived by myself for 5 weeks, proved to myself that I can live on my own and not kill myself. Then I come back home to all these rules and having to accommodate other people’s schedules. People often ask me how I live with all these rules.  It’s hard to explain and I’m not even going to try to explain the family dynamics because no one will get it (ever) but you learn how to deal with it. Maybe in the end I will be the lost cause out of all my siblings. The least favourite child.  Who knows. All I know is that I’m beyond frustrated and totally hating life right now. 

Random Ramble #41

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been active on my account. So many things have happened - good and bad - in the past few weeks and it’s all been kind of time consuming.  I guess to start off, one of the major things I’ve been through is jaw surgery.  I had my lower jaw pushed back and screws put in my jaw to hold it there until the bones fuse. Recovery has fast yet slow at the same time.  The doc said I’m healing at an above average rate but the actual recovery time takes months.  2 months for the bones to fuse back together, 6 months for the bones to calcify and up to a year to get any feeling (and even that’s not guaranteed) back in my chin and lower lip (can imagine what kissing is like? It’s beyond weird). I lost about 10% of my body weight so I’ve noticed that some of my jeans and bottoms just don’t fit as well anymore.  The week was brutal (liquid diet and sleep 24/7) but it’s definitely getting better (I can almost eat like a normal grown up again without having the food dribble down my face like a baby). So horray to progress. I’m loving my new smile and but I’m annoyed when people don’t understand why I can’t go out to a simple BBQ or bar yet.  Listen, the bones aren’t attached yet meaning that if if someone knocks me in the face they better have $2500 on them to pay to have it re-fixed. And I DO NOT want to go through all that again. Once was more than enough.  The whole thing was definitely worth it (even though I still have to wear braces for the next six months) but I wouldn’t suggest getting jaw surgery done unless you absolutely have to and if you do, make sure you have a very strong support system at home (like my mommy and daddy). 

I also started a new summer job last month and I can honestly say I LOVE my job. 100%. My bosses are AMAZING (my boss always loves my “fashions” which I find absolutely flattering and hilarious all at the same time).  I love the projects I’m working on like the Pride Flag Raising Ceremony on campus.  It’s going to be DABOMB and I’m definitely excited to see it come together the day of.  My work hours are super flexible so I can go in whenever I feel like it and work until whenever I want. It really works with my recovery and my social schedule.  I’m not used to all this flexibility and it’s basically heaven. Did i mention my co-workers are also the greatest? We all get along so well and it makes a big difference in the work environment. :)

My most recent relationship was one of the most emotion and effort consuming part of my life in the past few months.  Together one day, broken up the next, back together the day after… It was one hell of a roller coaster.  It was all kinds of good, stressful and sad things all mixed together.  I think it has definitely impacted my life and how I will approach my future relationships.  Thinking back on it, I can pinpoint where it all went wrong and you just wish that you could back to that moment in time and have it play out different. But hey, hind sight is always 20/20 right?  The relationship had the potential to be great (considering he was the first guy I have fallen in love with) but obstacle after obstacle just wears you down and no matter how hard you try and how much effort you put into it, you get to a point where you don’t see a good outcome. We broke up twice and the two breakups were as different as night and day.  The first time, there was still hope in it working out and the second time there wasn’t any.  I remember crying my eyes out the first time and this was probably due to the fact that I still  saw a future.  When I ended it for good the second time, it was like a switch was flipped in my head.  I had realized and accepted the fact that it wasn’t going to work out.  Just like that, no emotions, no crying during the second break up.  I couldn’t seem to get myself back to that place I was at the first time around. No wonder my friends call me a heartbreaker. I don’t know how I feel about that title.  I genuinely still care about K and I want to know how he’s doing, but I know asking to remain friends is a lot to ask. So I was doing pretty well after the break up (I got to enjoy my birthday which was a couple days after the whole thing) then the other day I unintentionally ended up fifth wheeling. It was so depressing.  I left asap cause I just couldn’t handle it.  You always think you’ll be strong enough to handle anything life throws at you, but Life that was just cruel what you threw at me.  So now I feel like I’ve taken 2 steps back and to counteract this mopey feeling, I’ve been throwing myself into my work and trying to make things I can control in my life work out. If I could send K a message right now, I would tell him that I still care about him, I hope that he doesn’t stay distant for too long because I miss his presence in my life.  I hope he understood why I ended things  (although I feel like it might not be the case) and that he doesn’t resent me.  I always try to end things on an amiable note.

Throughout all these life happenings, I’ve learned some things about myself that I either didn’t want to admit or that I needed re-affirmation on. 

1. I am such a push over when it comes to how my parents feel about the guys I’m dating.  It stresses me out to no end when they don’t approve and it wears me down. 

2. I truly do have an emotional switch and it kind of scares me.  it makes me wonder if there’s anyone out there who will be able to hold my interest for the rest of my life. I feel like I have some sociopathic qualities when it comes to emotions (although this is most probably not true and I’m just exaggerating).  A lot of the time I’m disinterested in what other people are feeling and I have a hard time empathicizing with others.  I don’t know about you, but that can be frightening.  

3. (In relation to point 2) End-it-never-getting-back-together breakups are emotionless events for me.  When I get to that kind of break up, it means I’ve really thought it out and I don’t see it working. The switch is flicked and I stop putting energy and effort into it.  I have been told that I come off really cold.

**Side rant - I had a friend who told me I didn’t put enough effort into making my relationship work and that pissed me off so much.  I know I put more and 100% effort into this relationship.  I went against my parents (for the first time ever!!), I keep going even when the stress from the external factors was getting to be too much… So don’t ever tell me I never tried hard enough cause I put my all into all my relationships. **

4. I truly think I’ll end up a cat lady when I’m older and that’s really depressing to think about. I’m trying to think more positively on the subject.  Like I’ll be able to do whatever I want without anything holding me back or down.

5. Meeting the parents is a sign of respect and NOT a sign of commitment. Meeting the parents is important but it should not feel like a marriage contract of a ball and chain. 

6. I hate when people pressure me.  Do not pressure me because I will push back. And you definitely will not like it. 

7.  Not that I’ve talked about this specifically yet, but I hate when people are flaky with their plans.  I just found lately a lot of friends are really unreliable when making plans to hang out.  Do not call me as a back up plan or expecting me to keep you entertained over the phone when your friends ditched you.  I do not treat you like that so I do not deserve to be treated as a last ditched effort to fill your day with something to do. That pisses me right the F*ck off.  Respect me and respect my time.  You treat me like that, I refuse to put any effort into our friendship. 

Aside from all that life excitement, I started the 30 day squat challenge to get myself back into shape.  You start off with 50 squats and every day you add 5.  Fail me was doing the squats improperly the first 4 days but I’m all good now.  I even decided to apply the challenge to crunches as well.  So in the morning I do the squats and when I get back from work I do the crunches.  I hope I’ll have a perkier butt and a more toned abdomen by the 30th day.  A girl can dream.  And be proud that I’m even taking the challenge seriously. I’m one of those people who would ask “what’s a gym?” 

So that’s life.  The long and short of it. I hope I get out of this funk I’m in from 5th wheeling it.  I hope things between me and K get back to somewhere good (at least talking instead of constantly FB stalking each other thinking the other doesn’t know).  I hope I make it to day 30 in my exercising challenge.  I hope my school event goes off without a hitch and I get all the guests I want to show up. I hope I find a healthy, long lasting relationship and it’s everything I dreamed off and more.   I just hope everything works out.  I mean everything happens for a reason.  Or so I believe.

If you’ve made it to the end of this post, I congratulate you and if I had a sticker I would give it to you. Thanks for taking the time to read my life ramble.  :)

Random Ramble #39

Just had jaw surgery done.  Healing has been trying but the fam has been super supportive (especially my mom - she just said the nicest thing to me making this whole thing worth it). Now I’m making a list of all the food I’m going to devour when I can finally eat again. I am open to suggestions.

Random Ramble #38

Love and heartbreak are tricky things. Heartbreak feels like the worst thing in the world and it makes you hate love just a little bit more.  Even worse when it blind sides you.  Everything is going well one minute and BAM the next minute everything is falling apart.  Girls and boys, as much as it’s a part of growing up and maturing, it FREAKING sucks big time.  

And what is it with this time period of “when it’s appropriate” to fall in love with someone? There’s not such thing.  It’s based off the quality of time you spend with that one person.  You could fall in love with someone after just two weeks of knowing someone depending on the frequency of seeing each other and the quality of the time.  Of course that feeling of love could be major infatuation but if you label it as love, then don’t let ppl tell you differently.  Everyone has a different definition of love so who’s to judge if you’re in love or not.

"Love is like when you absolutely can’t live without someone.  You’re miserable all the time knowing the other person is not part of your life."
-K

Sometime it takes something major to test your feelings and makes you realize that you really do love that person.  Sometimes you figure it out too late. Lesson - never hold back.  Just give everything your all.  Don’t be afraid of what might or might not happen. If you live like that, you’ll always regret the missed opportunity and let the good things pass you by. 

I think the hardest break ups are the break ups where you still love each other.  The “I hate your guts” break ups are so much easier.  You never want to see them again and you cut all ties.  But what do you do when you break up are you’re still in love with each other? You just couldn’t overcome the obstacle and loving each other just wasn’t enough.  What is appropriate? It is all very difficult and energy consuming.  Once thing for certain is do not wait for each other.  If either of you find someone new, go for it. Of course it will be hard, but you both need to live your lives without anyone or anything holding you back.  If you truly love the person, you will let them go (even though selfishly - guilty as charged - you never want them to find anyone other than you.)  Just don’t let the hope of something happening in the future hold you back.

With all that being said, K, I don’t think our story is over.  Maybe we’re taking a hiatus or something. Like we always say, things happen for a reason.

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